Leaving on a Slow Train, don’t know when I will be back again…….

Wednesday – Feb 15
Last night (Happy Valentines to me – the 14th) I had to take an overnight train to Kiev to be at the American Embassy before noon on the 15th. Seems the judge here in Dnipropetrovs’k does not like the paperwork that was approved by the NAC. (never mind I never could have adopted without the proper paperwork – I digress again…..) The judge here wants some crazy paperwork that is impossible to get or non-existent. One thing, an official document stating I have never been married. Another, proof my licensed social worker can do a home study for adoptions. Proof the Embassy will give Zoey a passport. My will – with the guardian for Zoey present (good thing it is my mother). And some other docs I am forgetting right now. It is so crazy. We have met several couples here who have been in the adoption process since Sept, Oct, and Nov – and still do not have all the “correct” paperwork. ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!

Kiev was cold and snowy today. I arrived at 6:10am – and we hit the road the running. We had to go to a café until the embassy opened. Once I got inside the embassy – I felt relieved. As close to the USA as I will get over here. Everyone was so nice and helpful. It took 30 minutes to get 6 documents in English and Ukrainian. (and didn’t cost a thing) I had to sign off on a few things – then we left to have the documents notarized and legalized. (geez – don’t get me started) Anyway, I caught a train back to Dnipropetrovs’k and was back at 9pm. What a day.

I did not get to see my precious baby today – can’t wait to see her tomorrow.
Yesterday I had a moment. I called my translator and told her I was going home. I couldn’t do this any more. I have said it once and will say it again – this is the hardest thing I have ever done. NOTHING is convenient and everything has to be expedited. I am so sick of it. But on the train ride home tonight, I was thinking about all the kids and one in particular (Zoey) --- she gets to get out of here and will have a life. And attention and love. She is very lucky. How she ever got registered I will never know. This orphanage does not put kids on the registry often, and most people won’t come here because of all the BS. I cried when I found out what region she was in – but I did not have a choice – and I am glad I did not. In the end – she melts my little heart. I need prayers because I don’t know how much more I can be here and I need strength – but I will be until she can go home with me.

Thursday – Feb 16
Oh what a day!!!!! I went to the orphanage to see Zoey – and when she came out she was smiling and screaming with happiness to see her momma. She came running up to me – it was so sweet. I guess she did notice that I was gone. I picked her up and she had peed her pants. They don’t allow the kids to wear diapers when they are in their group. Basically, after they eat and drink, they are required to sit on the potty until they go. It is funny to see 15 potties in a row with 15 kids sitting on them. So, we got her changed and out we went to play. After playing a while she gets tired, so I started singing to her today. She just laid there and let me rock her until she fell asleep. Then, she awoke, put her head on my shoulder, and went to sleep. I rocked her for a while then sat with her. Then decided to take her to her bed. When I got back to her groupa – the other kids started hitting on her and awoke her. She screamed bloody murder – then was awake.

Last weekend I bought her some new shoes, but the only ones I could find were expensive. The shoes she was wearing were too tight for her feet. But, I didn’t want to leave the shoes there or they might disappear. Anyway, today I put them on her – and as I was getting ready to leave I was about to take them off and she screamed and cried big ole tears. So, she got to keep them. When I came back in the afternoon – she had them on. But, when I went to undress her and pull off her pants – I had to remove a shoe and she wailed again.

Also, the other kids have started hitting and scratching her because she has a momma. I am about to kick some 2-3 year old butts. They are so mean to her. She is also the youngest in the groupa – so I just know they pick on her. There is one little girl who is nice to her – there are only 3 or 4 girls in her groupa – the other 11 or so are boys.

Friday – February 17
Actually, we had a warm up today. -18. I think I am getting use to the cold. That walk at 9:15am to the orphanage will do it to you. Although this afternoon, the wind was blowing and it was brutal.

I have a couple of gripes I need to get off my chest – then on to Zoey. First, each apartment we have stayed at it has been cold on the inside with not good heating. However, at our current residence – it is so hot in the apartment – I am sweating. As I sit here and type – I have a window open and it is still hot. It is miserably hot. When Linda says it is hot and she opens a window – you know it is hot. Next, with all the walking and lack of meals, my clothes do not fit. Can’t find a belt. And, all my pants are sagging. We took some photos of me – then laughed because my pants are resting on my hips. However, it is starting to tick me off. In my situation, I can’t afford to buy new clothes and you would not believe how expensive clothes are here. I can get a loaf of bread for .02 cents, a 20 oz coke for about .40 cents, washing detergent for .55 cents, 15 bananas for $1.00 and a large bag of jolly green giant mixed vegetables for .45 cents. But the other day, I saw this cute sweater – and thought I would buy it – until I priced it. $85. And, jeans are really expensive here – in the $100 range. Ho-hummm. Also, why does Colgate toothpaste cost $2.49 in the US and $.90 here? Anyone?

Today – Zoey was quite. Until we called a friend so he could talk to her – then she screamed. For the most part – she just played and tried to get her way. One thing I noticed is that she likes to play by herself. There are other kids there (other families adopting) and she doesn’t like to play with them. She will move off to a corner and play quietly. I wonder if it has to do with all kids in her groupa being mean to her and it is her way of protecting herself? I tried to get her to play – but mostly the kids do not share. I am going to have to work on that. Especially since she is an only child and we will be hanging together for a while.

Nothing much else happened today. My translator got my paperwork approved by the NAC yesterday and will be back in Dnipropetrovs’k on Sunday to appeal to the court on Monday for a court date. Prayers for a quick court date.

Saturday and Sunday – Feb 18/19
Nothing exciting this weekend. Saturday it snowed, rained and sleeted all in one afternoon. This made for a miserable walk to the orphanage Saturday afternoon and Sunday morning. But, I made it. It was actually warm today (Sunday). And, the snow is melting. This makes slush, which becomes black muck, which gets all over you. Oh joy.

I am having another moment today. I am so ready to be home. It is hard trying to bond with Zoey as there are 4 other families and their kids and all we get is a hallway to play with them. The kids hit and push. Zoey has started hitting and biting me when she doesn’t get her way. It is hard to control in the setting we are in. Ho hummmmmm.

Geez, I’d click my heels 3 times even if it landed me in Kansas. I just know I can walk to Dallas from there. Straight shot down I35! I want to be home so bad.

That is it. I am hoping we get hear news this week on a court date.

Depressed

I have several updates on my memory stick, but the guy will not let me put on the computer - so I will have to post them when I can. Meanwhile - I am very depressed. I have no court date in sight and am running out of money. I have prayed - and no answers come. I don't know what God is doing - but my time is running out. My 171 expires April 12 - at that point if I have not had court - it is over. I have to come home without this child. The judge is making up documents to ask for. This is the most corrupt place I know. I don't know how much more I can cry. It is at the end. I don't know what else I can do.

I ask for prayers. God has not heard - maybe he will hear other people? It is that bad here. I can't believe that God would bring me here - place this child in my hands - then not finish it. I don't need grand finales - I just need a court date and for all to go well.

I don't even feel I can attach to this child cause I am afraid I will lose her.

Day 5 – In a Routine

Over the ice paths, through the slums, to Zoey’s orphanage I go…. I now have a daily routine. I get up at 8:30am, get dressed, and then walk to the orphanage. (never mind it has been in the -20s here for the last 5 days) The orphanage is about 1.3 miles from the apartment – and it takes me between 12 and 15 minutes to get there. Yes – I am hauling it – it is so cold it hurts. But, this region is so expensive. The driver was wanting me to pay $50 a day for the two trips to the orphanage – which is less than 5 minutes by car. I told him no thank you. Kiev was so much cheaper than here.

I visit Zoey from 9:30 to 12:00, then 3:30ish to 5pm. When I come home for lunch, I take a nap. There is nothing else to do here – so a nap is a welcome reprieve. We are not close to the actual city – the orphanage is about 30 minutes by car from the city – so we would have to pay about $30 to get into city – then the same back. It is not worth it – although we plan to splurge this weekend to do some shopping for Zoey and her groupa.

Mother and I want to be home so bad right now – I can’t even explain the pain of being here. But, I will at a later time. We are quickly running out of money – and I am very worried about that. Prayers for a quick court date – and waive of the 10 days.

Zoey and I are in a routine as well. We play from 9:30 to 10:30; have snack from 10:30 to 11:00; then play some more till noon. Around 11:30 to 11:45 she gets fussy – as it is getting close to nap time and sister needs her sleep. They told me to come at 4pm in the afternoon – but I have been getting there around 3:30 – so they let me have her then. Although they literally pluck her from the bed and hand her to me. I do diaper duty, dress her – then we go have a snack. Then play some more. She is usually in a fussy mood as she is just waking – so afternoon it takes her some time to warm up.

On Thursday, mom went with me to the afternoon visit. I kept telling her about the little tantrums, and mom thought – no way. Sure enough, Linda got front row seats for the “I am not getting my way – so I will throw myself on the floor and kick and scream” event. It’s kind of funny. But, the caregivers don’t like it.

Luba has worked really hard to have all paperwork completed by Friday – so that on Monday we can go to court and request a court date. I hope and pray the judge is on our side and we get in and get out SOON. Please pray for quick results and no hold-ups so we can get home.

Day 2 – Getting Acquainted with Each Other

Today – we had to do a medical exam to be certified in the region. So, Zoey had to give some blood. It was horrible watching them take her blood. She was crying – I was telling them they were hurting her – and they were telling me something – probably to shut up and get out (couldn’t tell – Russian). But, I didn’t. They couldn’t get blood – so they started twisting her arm – geez where did the nurse get her degree? They finally got their 4 vials of blood. We had to go early, and Luba decided they didn’t need me, so I got to spend time with Zoey from 8am till noon.

Well……easy going Rada (aka Zoey Alyssa) was putting on the cute, sweet and innocent act yesterday! : ) Today – the fits came out. They say you wind up with a child like you – how in the world did this happen??? Miss Priss tried me several times today. In the morning – we played with musical toy till we got bored (20 minutes), then the baby doll that laughs (5 minutes), then the book (2 minutes). So, then we walked about the orphanage. I must say – the orphanage I am at is pretty lenient and let me have the run of the floor – but there isn’t much to do roaming the halls – and Zoey wanted to go into every room when we saw doors.
Mommy (aka – Jennifer) – “ Nyet” – my new favorite word.
Zoey – “nyet” – her most used word.
Imagine this conversation at every door. Then, after her “nyet” – she sat on the floor – then banged her head on the floor – then screamed and cried. (Uh- check please!) We did this many times today – I must say – you hear about all the institutional behaviors and comforting they do – but it kills me to see her do this and rocking back and forth. I have started rocking her and keeping her close. I hold her a lot right now – but she has never had this much attention. She deserves it. Today, when I would put her down, or try to give her to her caregivers – she started to cry. How can they ask me to leave when she does that??? Also, she gets really whiney when other kids try to come up to me and call me mama. Today – she kicked at a little boy who held his hands up and called me mama. Today – when I went back for the afternoon visit – she had just gotten up from nap. The caregiver brought her through the door, she saw me – and had the biggest grin. It doesn’t get any better than that. The caregivers and my translator commented that she is attaching very nicely. I am thanking God for that too. This afternoon when I was taking her back to her groupa – she started crying. I just felt horrible.

One thing she also did today. It is cute – but I know this can’t go on. There are plants all over the orphanage halls. (I must say – this orphanage is awesome and clean, and the caregivers really care about the kids from what I see. Not all are like this.) Anyway, she started trying to tear the leaves off or dig in the dirt. I told her nyet – so she walked away. Then, she’d go back near them, act like she was going to touch them (but not do it) – me telling her – nyet. Then, she’d get closer – watching me the whole time. Then, she’d swat the leave and run – laughing as she run away.

She is very active. Gonna have to remove the priceless art when I get home. (i.e. the gourd from Africa, the elephant from India) Basically, everything 2 feet off the ground. : )

Another little story of how awesome God is. You all know I am involved with Life 2 Orphans. (since Sept 2004) Anyway, they have a program called feed an orphan – which participates at about 25 baby orphanages. (go back and read my early blogs – I talked about this). For $5 a month, you can feed a baby. So, I sent money for a year for the program. Anyway, the orphanage Zoey lives at is one of those sponsored orphanages. (found out late yesterday afternoon) As I mentioned on my blog – “I never know if the child I am feeding could be my own” – well – the way I look at it – I fed my precious baby for the last year.

Anyway, that is today’s update. Let’s see what cuteness she does tomorrow. Rather than update daily, I will go back to updating every few days.

February 6 - Meeting Day

We spent the weekend trying to get my spirits up. I will say – I have met some incredible people in Ukraine. Kim and Mark Botto (I love you guys, you made me laugh so much) and Lisa and Rich Weatherby (Lisa your emails made me feel so much better and put my fears at ease). And of course, Hadas and Jonathon McCue (may God forever bless you – I love you both as family). Without these people – I would have been on a plane home last weekend.

We spent time on Friday (actually Luba my translator did) finding more info on the referral. Friday night I sobbed some more. Saturday woke up OK – got that lump in throat again on Saturday night. I knew a lot of people were praying for me – because I was heartbroken and thought my dreams of being a mother were wrapped up in a one shot deal. Sunday we left on the “bullet” train to Dnipropetrovs’k. I think bullet train in Ukraine means they shoot a bullet in the direction of region – and the bullet beats the train. It was by no means the fast train. I digress…..

I had decided by weekend end that I would accept the child if healthy because I was specific in my prayers and God had answered my prayers. I asked for a healthy, young girl. I didn’t specify skin, hair, or eye colors. I got what I prayed for.

Today – Monday started out slow. Until we showed our appreciation – then the 2 hours in line became a five-minute episode. Anyhoo – we finally arrived at the orphanage at 11:10. We went to the director – and had to wait. While waiting – mother and I set in the lobby waiting. Every time a child went by – mother went that is her…(even though a couple were boys) I kept saying no – then it happened.

I saw her – and started to cry – I knew it was her by the eyes. Mother saw her too – then saw me cry – then she cried. Before us was the most perfect baby God ever created. She is so beautiful. She has olive skin – but is not biracial. (they said they thought her father was Hungarian or Romanian (hence bi-racial???) In the director’s office – I just could not take my eyes off of her – how could a child be so perfect? Then, they handed her to me – and the past 21 months erased. All the paperwork, money, waiting, stress, emotions, time in Ukraine – it didn’t matter because I had the most beautiful and perfect baby – the best Ukraine had to offer was now mine.

I only got to see her for 30 minutes, but got to go back later in the day and spend more time with her as Dr. Yuri did an evaluation. (by the way – he is awesome and so good with the kids) She seems to have taken a liking to me. She is also ticklish and has the cutest laugh. She checked out healthy – praise God.

Speaking of which...I stand here humbly before God and ask the same question I ask when I thought he had forgotten me. Why me???? Why do I deserve this child? I never thought I would in a million years get a child such as this. Over the last few weeks and months of waiting – I kept asking why me? Why do you always forget me? Why am I last? Why don’t you care? Why do I have to wait? All those stupid questions – when the answer is because “I have a child in Dnipropetrovs’k waiting for you”. Gosh, I am such a control freak. Gary Ford from my adoption group told me a month into my adoption process - “don’t even think about going to Ukraine without God.” I just thought – yeah – I will pray for the adoption. That is not what he meant. He meant turning loose. Letting go. Letting God. My adoption is only a miracle God could make happen.

People – last Friday I thought it was over. Today – I rejoice. Had the director not yelled at me – I would have chosen a different child. I shudder to think what would have been. Thank you God for using the director to intervene so that I could receive such a blessing.

It is far from over. I am in the hardest region in Ukraine. I met a couple who has been in the process since Nov. 6 – waiting for a court date. It is not going to be easy – or cheap. I have been told to expect 30 to 45 days. But, I will trust God knows what is best. My mother and I are ready to come home. We are on day 49 and that is a long time. We are tired –this is a hard trip. But, I won’t leave this country without my daughter. So, keep the prayers coming for a quick court date and possible waive of the 10 day wait.

I don’t have computer access in the new apartment. So, I will see if I can post pictures soon. If not, I will email.

February 2 - Appointment Day

I know everyone is wondering what happened today. It was not a good day - at all. My appointment was suppose to be at 9:00am - but the director did not come in until 10:50. She immediately took the appointment list - and went to her office. In 5 minutes - she came back with a new listing and posted it - my appointment was moved to 12:30. At 11:00 am - a group from one adoption group was ushered in and given the “best” referrals. (about 9 of them - who knows what they paid) Then, at 11:45 the director left - so appointments had to stop. She came back at 12:15 - and said they could resume - and 12:30 appts were pushed to 2:15.

Lets just say - it was emotional, hard, everything. I was crying at 11am when I saw I had been moved. Especially since I had met 2 of the couples and their original appointment dates were this week. My friends Hadas and Jonathon were downstairs and Hadas called. I was crying - but they would not let them upstairs yet because their appointment was later than mine. Anyway - Hadas pushed her way upstairs to be with me. I was alone - and will forever be grateful to her. Jonathon came up too so for the rest of the day we were together. Thank God for them - if they would not have been there - I probably would have done something stupid to jeopardize the adoption.

So, I got in at 2:25 - now #14 of 20. I was taken back to a psychologist who was very nice. And, she spoke to me in English. She asked me about myself and what I was looking for. As soon as I told her - she pulled out a sheet of paper and said - here is your child. I looked at the photo - and said - no this is not her. I would like to look at others. I was told - no I only got one referral. (I knew better – or so I thought) I asked could I look at the "books" - so she said OK. "But they are all rejects." After the first 3 - I knew she was not joking. They had AIDS, HIV, Hepatitis, bone deformities, etc. I asked to see sibling sets, older kids and boys (gasp!). She went and got some of the loose files from the couple at the next station who had been turned down. I came across a 4 year old girl with red hair and asked about her. Healthy - so I set her aside. I started looking at siblings - then it happened. About 15 minutes into my appointment - the director walked in and said to me "I HAND PICKED THIS CHILD FOR YOU - I KNEW YOU WAITED IN UKRAINE 40 DAYS - SO I GOT YOU A HEALTHY, YOUNG CHILD. YOU WILL TAKE HER OR LEAVE. YOU ARE NOT GETTING AN OLDER CHILD OR SIBLINGS - YOU WILL TAKE HER. THIS IS YOUR ONLY REFERRAL AND YOUR ONLY APPOINTMENT. DO NOT COME BACK." She grabbed the loose files of siblings and older kids and boys - and left. I started crying. The psychologist felt really bad. She handed me a tissue and asked what I wanted to do. I asked what choice I had - I knew they were going to make me go see her. Let me tell you about the child - she is completely healthy with "speech delays" - but at 20 months old - how can you tell? Her picture was horrible. I know this is hard for some of you to hear - but the ugliest baby I have ever seen. And, she is bi-racial. Also, this child is in the worst adoption region in Ukraine. They anticipate 30 to 45 days to complete the adoption.

I am by no means a racist - but I don't know if I can raise a child of a different race. The reason I chose Ukraine was in hopes of finding a child who "looked like me - had the same features" - most people here have fair skin and blonde/brown hair. Somehow - that choice was taken from me.

We are going on Sunday to meet the child on Monday. I don't have a choice. If I decide not to take her - I will have to come home. So, that is what happened today. It was a horrible, stressful, emotional day. I have waited 20 months for this adoption - in my heart believing God would bless me. I don't know if I can open my heart to this situation. I am trying to be excited this weekend about meeting her. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life.

Memoirs of a Ukrainian Adoption

Hmmmm. While I have been in Kiev, I have read several books. All very good. Two I will mention. 1) Maximum City – Bombay Lost and Found. This is a very good book – but rather long. It goes way into underground India – more specifically Bombay. If you have an interest in the Indian culture as I do – it is a very good insight. Also, another good book on India – A Fine Balance – is probably one of the best books I have ever read on the Indian culture and history. If anyone is interested in my collection – let me know. 2) Memoirs of a Geisha. Very good book. Now, I can’t wait to get home and see the movie – I will probably have to wait for it to come on Comcast In-Demand though. By time I get home – it might even be on DVD.

I brought several of my Bollywood movies with us on this trip – to try and get mummy into it --- but she doesn’t like them. Anyway, I have watched them and love them. We have more families coming daily – which means we have more people to swap movies with.

We did some more sightseeing on Friday. I bet we walked over 6 miles looking at churches – all of them are on top of a freaking hill though. I never appreciated the flatness of Texas as much as I do right now. I did however manage to successfully negotiate a cab back. He started at 50 grivna – but I got him to 30. That was too easy. The ride was probably worth 50 grv – since it was rush hour. I was proud of myself. My self-imposed Russian lessons are paying off!

We are meeting so many more American families. We hang out with Hadas and Jonathon from Florida – they are so much fun. Last night we had Indian food – and while there this little boy – he was so cute – that kept prancing by us. We decided we have had enough of this waiting stuff and we might just take him home. But his momma rescued him. : ) There is still no news from the NAC. We do not know when they will be open. We also met another couple, Sean and Karin, who we will be meeting tomorrow night for dinner. Pretty soon – we should all be able to obtain citizenship!

I do have to say – Linda might be a little on the edgy side. She has started using the “f” word. I tell her it is not becoming. And, I appreciate her not using that language around me, lest she accidentally use it in front of my precious princess. We have slight differences in how we live. I am clean and tidy --- she is not. So, with all the added stress – you can imagine how heated it gets around here. So much for righteousness. (she says I drove her to it)

Thanks to each of you who email me and call me! It means the world to me that people are thinking about me. I never expected this to be so hard – but so many people have been so supportive – I am blessed to have such friends in my life.

Today – we have been here 39 days. Tomorrow will be day 40. Didn’t God “rescue” Noah after 40 days and 40 nights? If so – maybe tomorrow he will rescue me! Until my next update – have a lovely week!

Nohl - Nada - Nil - Zilch - Nothing

As usual, nothing is going on. I have though; put together a list of things I miss:

My precious dog
My friends - family
My bed
My car (I want to drive somewhere so bad)
My house
Highspeed internet
A responsive government
Tex-Mex

I am very perplexed at how my eating habits have changed. At home – when I get depressed/stressed/anxious – I eat. Here it is just the opposite. Today – I had to force myself to eat at least one meal. I am just not hungry. If it wasn’t for Linda – I probably wouldn’t eat until I was starving. I bet I have lost 10 to 15 lbs. Tonight – I put on a pair of pants, they fell down my rear. I saw some jeans in the store here the other day - $110 equivalent – NO WAY. Mom told me to get a belt and make do. Think I might. I am excited about this since I put on too much weight during my 20 month wait for this adoption. I just gotta keep this up when I get back home. I met a girl on Wednesday and wound up walking over 8 miles RT. Up and down hills – so I know I am getting good exercise.

We met another American couple Tuesday and Wednesday nights. They are awesome people and have found the most beautiful 10-year old girl. (Kim and Mark from Kentucky) They had court on Monday and are now awaiting the 10 day court wait. They introduced us to an American style food store – so we picked up a few things. It was very nice. So glad we found it.

I have been sleeping a lot. I don’t mind. But, it is driving Linda crazy. What else are we going to do? See downtown Kiev and the sights – one more time?

I went to Children’s Hope orphanage today to take the kids some Christmas boxes and watch them open. It was so cool. The kids are so cute. Again – I just wanted to take them all home. I have to say – the people of Ukraine are so awesome. Everyone has made us feel at home and checks on us often. People have offered to give up their homes so we would not have to pay for rent. Incredible and giving people. I am happy to know my daughter has a wonderful culture of people in her heritage.

Today it is the coldest it has been here. Probably zero or below – and over 3 feet of snow on the ground. It is so cold – it hurts when the air hits your skin.

Really, nothing new to report. Just waiting for the NAC to open. Keep prayers for a good first referral.

Week 3.5 and Counting in Kiev

We are majorly bored. I have mastered solitaire and become a pinball wizard! Although, we went to St. Sophia’s on Tuesday with one of the graduate students from Orphanage 12. He was a hoot. His name was Maksim – and he was the cutest thing. Had red hair and blue eyes – I wanted to take him home. Then, that night, we went to some friends we met through Bogdan. Sergey and Natasha. They cooked a Ukrainian feast for us. It was so awesome. They had a lovely home and we had a good time visiting with them.

Monday and Tuesday I was really depressed. No appointment in sight for another week or so. It is getting tiring over here – and we really aren’t doing much. We shop, sightsee, and fight a little – then hugs and kisses and go to bed. We have watched all the movies we brought – I didn’t bring that many. Little did I know… The only news we get is from the US embassy. One day it is encouraging, the next day not so encouraging. Basically, we are going to be here in Kiev another week to 15 days at least.

We have one English speaking channel – BBC World. They replay the same news at the top of each hour. I told mother if I hear Turkey is going to be kicked out of the EU for the spread of bird flu – one more time – I will scream.

Every map I have picked up has advertisement sections for American men looking for Ukrainian wives (i.e. slaves of the domestic and “relations” sort). I had a lengthy debate about this with my friend Bogdan. He agrees with me as to how sick and disgusting this is. Especially when a large percentage of these girls are the ones that have just been released from the orphanage and have no where to go. They get promises of a better life from these “agencies”, which take advantage of them and abuse them, basically selling them in the human sex trade. It all looks so innocent, but really it is a sick business. If someone makes an educated decision to go into this “trade” on their own – more power to them and good luck in America. But, for those that truly have no way – which is where most of these girls come from – I really feel sorry for them. Ok – I will get off my soapbox.

Thursday we went shopping for books. I got my baby some Russian and Ukrainian books. I am going to try to find some more but I was only successful at finding 2 bookstores. I really want to find a bookstore with some recipes that might be in English for all these salads that are made here. They are so good. We have taken to walking different routes these days. After 21 days – it all looks the same.

Today – Friday – we got out again – and I found a children’s bookstore – and got some more cool books.

This weekend – I am hanging out with the graduate students from Orphanage 12 here in Kiev. Should be fun. Each month they have a meeting and are required to attend. They help do work around the orphanage and report back to Bogdan on their progress. In return, they get to apply for sponsors from the US through our L2O organization for trade school. (mechanic, sewing, chef, etc) It is a really good program and these kids are so cool. Since the government does not really help them, it gives them a start into the world.

Also, some more Americans are coming for their court – so we are meeting up with them this weekend. Gonna be a busy weekend.

Other than that – not much going on. No appointment in sight. But, the news is getting better. Will keep you all posted.

PLEA: If anyone has any scoop at all - send it our way. The only news we get is from daddy and he tells us about people we don't know (i.e. from his job). So, we know not to ask him about current events back home.

Hill from Hell

Friday
Curse that never-ending hill. I have decided I can live off cokes and m&ms and be just fine. If we want restaurants – have to go wayyyyyyy down the hill - then all the way back up. If we go to market – it is opposite way up the hill. So, I have decided food is not that important. Lest you think this is some little molehill – it is not. I guess what makes it harder is a -8 wind chill all the way up the hill whipping in my face.

Besides the hill, my other major gripe is bath-time. It is so cold here. And, with the cut in gas, we are losing heat and hot water each day. So, taking a bath is a chore in and of itself. Shaving is out. Although I do shave lest you think I am growing hairy over here. But, it is so painful. And, in an apartment that is cold, with lukewarm water at best – I might start doing smell-checks to decide if a bath is really necessary. : ) When in Rome……

Today we went to Independence Square and saw the national Christmas tree and 500 santas. It was very nice. Mother was excited because last year she watched the elections and revolution on TV and was excited to see it live! They had pony and horse rides for the kids and little sleighs everywhere – it was cute. We then went to an Italian place for dinner where I got some uncooked chicken. Then, got a little stomach ache. Hey – at least it didn’t have the bird flu (to best of my knowledge).

Saturday
Today I went to the countryside with Bogdan. We went back to the O12 camp. We got up early and decided to take mass transportation (last time we hired a car at $50 to take us – but that was mainly because mummy didn’t want to try the metro). Anyway, today I was wishing for that car. At 6:45 this morning it was -10 with windchill – and walking 4 miles in that is almost illegal. Anyhoo – it was good to see the kids. They are so awesome! I know I have said it before – but I just want to take them all home. I got back to the apartment (not without having to climb 20 flights of stairs) around 4pm. Since I did not sleep the night before, I was very tired. Went to bed at 6:30pm – and woke when Mariana called at 2am this morning.

I bet you all think I am lazy – but I am not. But two forms of exercise I loathe are hills and stairs. Hate em! Yet here I am - facing them daily. Mom wanted food tonight – I told her in all I did over 10 miles today – I was not walking down that hill. Ate my m&ms and went to bed! Of course now, at 4am – my stomach is growling.

Sunday
We went to eat at Friday’s. (see Friday for my whining about the hill – curse that hill) I managed to go back to bed at 5am – then got up at noonish today. Sleeping my time in Ukraine away. That’s one way to make it go faster. I did pig out tonight though. So, I am fully set for at least a day now. Except, being full and walking that hill is worse. There is just nothing good about that hill.

Tonight I was entering my receipts in my spreadsheet for tracking costs here in UA. It came to about $30 per person for the 16 days we have been here. Not including apartment rent which would make it about $55 per person. Mummy is so excited about that – as she says Rachel Ray says $40 is what you should spend on food alone a day when you travel. We have that beat. Ours includes cell phones, internet, TP, lotions, my cokes and m&ms!!!!! She proposes we start our on TV show – and for kicks – I am going to add “cooking with dill”!

Just another cold, dreary day in my daughter’s homeland. Prayerfully, I will have an appointment this coming week and get to go pick her up! Thanks to each of you who send me encouraging emails and phone calls. That means so much to me. I thought I was going to be over here whining because no one cared about me and my wait or cancelled appointment. I am truly touched by the kindness of each of you! I will update this week after I know what the new AC is going to do. Dusveedunya!

Who Needs a Title? Nothing is Going On.

I really don’t have any interesting news – but just thought I’d let everyone know we are still hanging out in Kiev. Trying to stay (or even act like we are) busy. What, between all the naps, puzzles, movies, and computer games – we barely have time to eat. : )

Something we really aren’t use to - having to go the market at least every other day. They don’t do bulk here and packing is designed for everyone to shop daily. For example, when we buy bread – it lasts a day or two – then you start seeing mold on it or it goes very hard. There is a market about a quarter mile up the hill – and they cook foods for take away. BUT, everything is seasoned with dill. Now, at first – I was like – you are kidding me – dill on the chicken, dill on the potatoes, dill on the salad, dill on the bread, beans, everything. Wouldn’t you know I have acquired a taste for it. Now, I am trying to analyze everything from there and break down the ingredients so I can make when I get home. I am loving the potatoes with dill. I could live off them alone.

I woke today with a migraine – so we stayed in all day. I got up at noon – then napped from 2 to 6 – now here I am wide awake as usual. Bogdan came over tonight and we worked on some L2O stuff. Nice having him right here to work on it together rather than 50 emails back and forth.

I wrote about this via email to some of you. But, Linda and I have a phone stalker. The first time it happened – after the 3rd or 4th call – I got angry. We’d take the phone off the hook, but local people tried calling and we had to put it back. She just kept calling so mummy thought we could “make her go away with kindness” – FATCHANCE. Now she starts calling around 8am each day. She speaks English and Russian. She likes to sing (sometimes she tells us she is Britney Spears, sometimes her mother is Britney) so I have started singing along with her. It cracks mother up. For a day, I only spoke to her in French, but that kind of made her mad. She kept slamming the phone down on me – by the way – we guess she is between 9 and 12 years old – out of school with nothing to do. Mariana is her name – calling Americans and asking them where they live and what they do is her game. Tomorrow – I am pulling out the 50 Cent on her!

I am getting tidbits of news about the NAC – but nothing to post until I know it is not a rumor. Don’t want to get hopes up or down, and don’t want to spread news that is not confirmed.

I am going to be hanging out this weekend at Orphanage 12 – see the kids on their Christmas day. Then, meet up with the Vocational Students (older kids released from O12) to have a pizza party with them. These kids are so amazing – they overcome such adversity to try and live a normal life in a country not designed to support them. I wish I could do more – but for right now – my focus is on the adoption.

So, most of you probably have read about Russia cutting off the natural gas to Ukraine – as sort of some power struggle. Well, about 3 nights ago, we noticed it was getting colder – but the weather really hadn’t changed. Bogdan told us that everyone in the city was required to cut their gas usage by certain percentages or be fined. Linda and I are freezing. Some nights I am so cold I can’t sleep. Burrrrrrrr.

God love this country. Other than the extra money we are incurring and lack of much to do (a lot is closed for holidays) – it really isn’t that bad here. I would rather be in my own bed with my baby sleeping in hers – but that is not God’s plan right now. But, without saying too much……[this part of the blog will require you to read between the lines]. Certain products (we’ll just use an example of software) that might cost $800 in the US – can be bought still in the wrapper for $3 – and be perfectly usable. I am telling you – this is not stuff bought on the side of the street – it is bought in a computer store – all legit with a receipt. I found this out today when a friend purchased me a much needed item. They have everything…… So, in a couple of days, we are going shopping.

OK – when I have more news – or I get my conscience back – I will write more.

Down the Hill, Up the Hill ----

In case you wonder what we do all day. Mummy is scared of her shadow, so she drags me out each day. (Did I ever tell anyone how much I despise hills?) Well, we live at the top of the hill - food is at the bottom about a mile away. I am still existing on one meal and 2 cokes a day. Linda is now up to her normal 3 meals and snacks a day. I did drag her out to eat Indian food today - and surprisingly enough - she really liked it. This place was probably as good as Kiev gets - but it was expensive. But, a treat.

Someone told me to bring pants a size or two smaller - I did that and they already fit!

Next, I forgot to bring my lotion and my skin is really dry from the weather - so we went out searching for lotions. Only, all that we could find was high end (Chanel, Clinique, etc - at about $30 a bottle) or I didn’t know the Russian word for lotion and everyone gave me hand soap. Then, Linda showed her psoriasis and they all yelled "creme" - so lotion is creme. I managed to get that and some moisturizer for the face. Soon enough, I’ll be soft again.

New Years Eve in the city was exciting. Fireworks went off all over the city (and I mean all over - in front/behind our building, all along the river, downtown, everywhere) starting at midnight. At 4am - they were still going off in some places. I was suppose to hang out with my friend Bogdan, but he got a call from a student in need and had to go help him - so I was stuck here with Linda. Both her and Bogdan fretted that I might go somewhere alone. (Don’t these people know I travel the world by MYself.) Anyway, by time it was to do anything - we ordered pizza and stayed in.

The days are passing fastly enough. I am up all hours of the night. Then sleep till noon. Then go out till about 5pm. Then, in for the day. Sounds exciting, huh? Not much else to do - I would call and be on the phone for hours if the calling cards were not so expensive. So, if you are getting calls - you must be someone important!

Yesterday - we met a couple from Missouri who have adopted the most adorable 16 month-old girl. She is precious. We went sightseeing with them and had fun - and if they decide to stay in Kiev - will probably do some more sightseeing with them. They got caught in the shut-down too - basically they could not complete their adoption - so they had to leave their little girl in her region. They may go home and wait it there.

Kim and Heather - I miss you girls so much!!!!!! You may have to get a ticket and come visit. (Please - someone come visit as Linda is wearing out her welcome!) : )

You know - if one was desparate (as I am) they could say - the new NAC will be open in 7 days. May the time pass ever so fastly.

More updates to follow.............

AND THIS TOO SHALL PASS....................

BUT NOT WITHOUT A 30-DAY WAIT! As with any international adoption, the risk is high, mine is no different. So, I went back to the NAC today (got one of those frantic calls - get over here now) and was basically told the new administration would be in place on January 9. They will reassign appointments beginning January 10. I was told my appointment could be January 15 or February 1 or someday in between. Meanwhile, I was told I had two choices. 1) stay in the country and be given first chance when appointments are assigned, or 2) go home and maybe have to come back March/April/May. So, I signed an affidavit that I was not leaving the country in hopes I could get an appointment as soon as they are assigned. This is the prayer we are praying for - first available appointment. ASAP.

As you all can imagine, this is going to be one costly little adoption. Our apartment is $55 a night - you can do the math. Plus other necessities. This child better be rocking me when I am at the old people home!!!! : ) I guess I should thank God that I have the time off - and means to complete the adoption. I might have to go unpaid up-front - but I think I can make it. My vacation pay runs out on Feb. 15 - then I have to go unpaid. The company will not pay maternity leave until I actually have a kid. That goes for FMLA time as well. So, I am stressed about being without medical or other benefits. And, being away from home this long.
Linda and I went exploring today and saw the first McDonald’s here in Kiev. I remember reading someone else’s blog before and they ate at a different McD’s everyday. We won’t be doing that. OYE.......

What else? I can tell everyone about the half pint of cherries I paid $20 for? Go ahead and laugh. Here, once you touch something - it is yours or you get yelled at. Well, I saw some gorgeous cherries and told Linda I had to have them. I touched the ones I wanted - she said here is price - I said NO - she yelled and told me they were mine - so, long story short, we are savoring every last one of those cherries. DOH!

Funny thing - I met the director of the NAC today and she was very nice. But, at one point she yelled at a Spanish couple. So, I saw her mean side. It was kind of rude. Then, she went back to smiling - since the new director was in tow. He seems nice......we will see. Also, she gave a pitch about how sorry she was that the adoption process was being halted, it was not the fault of the NAC - they were innocent in this and they just want to find these children homes. Whatever..........

So, it looks like I will be in Kiev for a while. With my four shirts and 3 pair of pants. If anyone wants to visit, let us know and we will greet you with open arms.

Que Sera, Sera.............................

Whatever will be, will be.. I guess the future is not MINE to see. I sent all an email about my cancelled appointment. What can you do????? No people, I didn't stop off in Amsterdam and buy weed or find any here - not smoking anything else. (but after dealing with mother for 4 days in close quarters - I may need some soon) I guess I just have a peace about waiting. I am not in control. I know that. So, I will be hanging out in Kiev until they give me an appointment and I can go pick Zoey up and get her home. (I have to have faith this will happen or I will lose it - I have waited so long - and I just can't imagine God would bring me here for nothing - I have to believe that!!!)

So, what have I been doing. Everything. We got in Saturday night. Came straight to apartment - which is in the city center and very nice. It is very cold here and snowing. But, very pretty. Sunday - I got up and called my friend Bogdan who came by and took Linda and I to eat and out shopping. And, he gave us his phone and set us up on his internet. This man is a awesome. He is so giving. He is the deputy director at Orphanage 12 here in Kiev and works so hard for these kids.

On Monday, Bogdan picked us up and we went to the O12 camp where the kids are spending Christmas and gave them a party. It was so nice and the staff were so touched. The kids loved the fruit and gifts we got them. It was a good day.

I was suppose to meet with my facilitator Vlad on Monday evening - but he cancelled. (bad omen) Anyway, Elena (translator) called and said my appointment was cancelled for Tuesday. I was upset to say the least. Bogdan was here and was upset too - so he had some nice words.

I got up today, Tuesday - Appointment day - and went to the NAC. They were nice - but offered no explanations. So, Elena will check back twice daily until we know what is happening. It may be mid-January before I get an appointment.

Getting lots of exercise (our apartment is at top of hill and about 1 mile from city center) - and not eating but one meal a day. (hard to find food with my limited Russian) I might just apply for Americas SuperModel after this!!! : )

Not much else to tell unless anyone wants to hear the ways I have sat in bed thinking of ways to choke Linda. Joe has spoiled her. She is SO dependent on him to do everything. She can't even dial a phone. She is very out of her element here - and knows she is stuck. So, she cries, whines, bitches, yells ---- YOU PEOPLE KNOW I HAVE NO TOLERANCE for dependency and weak people. Anyway, she just got a good laugh out of this.

What else......well, one thing. Over the last couple of months, one person has been there for me when I needed someone to talk to, when I needed encouragement, and when I needed to be reminded about the end result of this adoption (and also to tell me to suck it up when needed) - to HIM I want to say THANK YOU! You know who you are - Happy Birthday! You have been a Godsend and I will be forever thankful to you!

Happy Blessed New Year to you all!

Not Without My Daughter!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, I leave tomorrow. Thanks to all who called and sent messages wishing me well.

I got home a bit ago, and took a moment to reflect, because I have decided something is not right. I think it hasn't hit me yet. I am not freaked, nervous, excited, scared, or anything right now. Honestly, I have no emotion flowing through me. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME????????????? Maybe I am all of the above and in DENIAL? I think, I guess I just thought this day would never come. Now it is here - and I am a little too calm. Maybe God is telling me it will be OK. (THIS IS WHAT I HOPE IT IS). Or, maybe I feel I know this is not going to be easy and I am preparing/expecting the worse. Kind of a defeated attitude. I don't know.

Just please pray for me. Linda is not even getting on my nerves. : ) Let me tell you what my parents did for my Christmas. I had been so worried about the kids at the Orphanage in Kiev not having a Christmas party - I mean these kids have nothing. I wanted more than anything for them to have a good day and get a small gift. But, no one donated. Anyway, they donated the money to make this happen. It was the most touching thing they have ever done. (Thanks again to you both - I love you!)

I am mostly packed. Did something I said I wasn't going to do. I have 2 large suitcases. But, one is full of stuff for kids and I am leaving the bag in Ukraine. Just need to pack clothes. I noticed today everything I had set out was black. Oh well --- everything I have of color is too thin.

I guess throughout this process I have had lots of doubt, lots of stress, lots of emotions -- but one thing I have never questioned is that my daughter is in Ukraine. I know she is. And, I will not come home without her. So, if it takes 2 weeks, 4 weeks, or 10 weeks - I will find her and bring her home!

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and Happy New Year to you all.

Zoey and I will see you in 2006!

Could time BE passing any slower??????

I thought - "Hey - I'll do an update - a lot has happened since my last post which was weeks ago." Grrrrrr...It has only been 9 days. Although, it does bring a new meaning to the 12 days of Christmas - as I have 12 days before I leave. I have to say - the last week has been like a home free feeling. My last day of work is officially the 21st. Then, I don't go back until June 15 or July 5, maybe August 1. I am so ready for it. So, you are wondering - why the update???? Well.......let me start.

1) The room is set up! It is so cute! I didn't really do it - I met a guy in the adoption group who is so awesome (and generous) and he helped me. He took me to Ikea and helped me pick out what I would need, then put it all together. side note: he restoreth my faith in men. : )

2) I re-did the bathroom - all by myself. Duckies - it is so cute! And, colorful. This kid is going to want to bathe all the time.

3) My attitude is strong! So strong, I got a toddler bed and bought toddler clothes. I am praying for a toddler girl and leaving the rest to God.

4) I talked to my facilitator and he has me a room in Kiev we are ready to go! Talked to my translator and she thinks we are partying until my appointment date. (I am too old for that) I must say - I did find out who my translator is - and I met her back in September. Spent a lot of time with her - she is crazy. We had loads of fun - and I saw how she worked her butt off. I told her - I AIN'T coming home without a toddler girl. She said "I like your persistence - I bet you will". So - she is in it for the long-haul too!

5) I finally got off my butt and started getting things done. I feel ready to take on the world! The last few days at work were not that stressful. Matter of fact - Friday was kind of fun.
Several people even commented that I was looking happier than ever ----- little do they know! (I get to have a break from that place for 7 months) On another side note - I realize how fortunate and blessed I am to have a great job. So, I don't want to bash my work too much. It has afforded me an opportunity to get a child which I so desparately want.

6) Spencer gets to stay with "Granny #2" as my mother calls her. So, she will spoil him rotten(er) and he will weigh 100 lbs by time I get back! But, he will get his lovins every day. She treats him so good.

OK - I will probably update one more time before I leave. Please pray for me and my appointment - which is just 15 days away!!!! More later.............

DECEMBER - GLORIOUS DECEMBER

OK – It is December 2nd – start checking back often so you can see my updates on freaking out. 21 days before I leave!!!!!!!!

Croatia was beautiful. Very Mediterranean and the food was good. The people spoke flawless English and the scenery was incredible. What a nice getaway. Again, I will try to upload a photo or two. I kind of forgot how to though.....

Just last night I finally got all the furniture out of the tot’s room, and will start this weekend getting the room in order. Although, someone pointed out to me that the bed I have has slots that are too wide and my precious Zoey might get her little head stuck in there – so I may have to find a new bed. Joy – more money. This kid is costing a fortune!

Great news!!!!!! The employer is now paying 8 paid weeks off for adoption. I now have 14 weeks off paid. What an awesome gift that is! Thank you, God. Now, I might just take off until August 1 instead of June 1. Watch out - you just might see me at the zoo, arboretum, chuck-e-cheeses. I am going to be living up that time off!

What else? I guess because I might be freaking out too much - I might be tired. Thus, nothing much else is going on! But, check back soon - I might change my mind the next day!

Where Do I Start????

Well, first of all I have 35 days to go before I leave. I am NERVOUS, DEPRESSED, STRESSED, ANXIOUS, SCARED, EXCITED, HAPPY, OUT OF MY MIND CRAZY WITH THOUGHTS OF "what if". I can hardly function. But, you will all be happy to know I haven't gone off the deep end yet - even though last weekend I got close. I got up at 12:30 on Saturday - drank my coke - laid on the couch - took a nap for 3 hours - then went to bed early. All the while never getting out of my pajamas or even eating that day! I lost myself 3 lbs last weekend.

I never in my wildest dreams ever even thought how emotional and draining this process would be. Especially when you think about all the kids who need homes - that it would just be easy. But, it isn't. I mourned the day my doctor told me I would never have kids (i.e. I cried and cursed) --- and now I look back and think to myself - "Why?". Does it matter whether this child passes through me or not? I have people who have asked me how I can love another person's child, or saying they are a throw-away, there is a reason they got left..... Well, I thank God every day one woman decided to give up her child or children. I will take them and not think twice about the loss of never having my own. I think I have always known deep down I would adopt - whether I could have my own or not.

Things are very rough in Ukraine right now with adoptions. They stopped accepting applications from Americans back in September and so far have not started accepting them again. Of course, I read blogs from people who are currently adopting and it has become an obsession. As if one adoption experience gauges them all? I guess I just want to make sure no one gets my little Zoey. For a long time I put off setting up her room - for fear it might not happen or I'd come home childless, but I have started buying some things. Her room has been painted lavender since September 2004.

I went to Japan the first weekend in November. It is a beautiful country. Wish I had seen more of it. I was only there 4 days and I got salmonella my first night. I was so sick - fever, chills, vomiting - it was not nice. Thought I was gonna have to get Linda on plane to Japan. But, I got better. I will see if I can figure out how to post some photos. I am off to Croatia (and maybe Bosnia) next week. You know - Matt Lauer showed up in Dubrovnik last week! I was excited. It was nice and warm for him - very Mediterranean.

Oh yeah - I think I have money cause I am spending it like I change clothes - a lot. I went out and bought a handheld camcorder, that does digital stills as well, to take to Ukraine. So, I can capture the orphanage on film. My precious will want to see it someday. Or, maybe not but I will have it.

I am still counting down the work days. Let's see, 35 days - 10 weekend days - 2 holidays - 1 vacate day = 22 work days. I have an insurance settlement coming for the accident in May - and I am hoping it is enough that I can take an extra 2 weeks off (at least) before I leave. I just can't take much more. Of course the situation is heightened by my current state of waiting for this adoption. So, pray for a nice settlement.

What's funny is every day I whine how long this is taking ---- and mother is fretting how fast it is flying. She is stressing over it getting here to soon - and it ain't moving fast enough for me. She will be rethinking her decision to want to go about day 4 when I am stressed beyond belief telling her to shut it and leave me alone. We have a contract though - it says she has to suck it up and deal --- because she knows I am sometimes impatient, aggressive, bitchy, moody, and in this case all of the above at once. Her bad......... : )

What else - oh Spencer. I can't wait for Zoey to meet him and vice versa. We put him in a doggy door last month - he loves that thing. Oddly enough, I don't think he uses it unless I am at home. But, I tell him his bad for holding it when he can go out. He has started doing that early mornings and it is wonderful. If I could find a self feeder - I would be set. Except, now Zoey is coming along - so I am sure she will replace Spencer with the I want food at 6am.

OK - that is your November update. Nothing else that I can think of right now. Happy Thanksgiving to you all. Also, I have a friend waiting for an appointment date and would everyone to pray! These kids deserve homes and the quicker people get appointments the sooner they can get out of those orphanages.

Getting Closer

OK PEOPLE!!!! It is getting a little real. I bought the airline tickets today. (BTW - I guess Linda (i.e. Mother) is going since I got her ticket too!!!!) Say it with me - $1306 round trip. Can you believe that? It all stems from the fact that I have to leave on December 22 or 23. So, they got me. Anyway, I am one step closer. (and 66 days before I leave) PRAISE GOD!!!!!

Not much is happening though. I am still hating on the job. I did tell the partners - they were less than joyful. As if I care. Matter of fact - they were rude come to think of it. Oddly enough, Partner #1 was worried I was leaving (another Partner told me) - but given his response to my news, he has to know I wouldn't come back to that mentality. (has something to do with the job coming first)

Anyway, I am just trying to make it though the next 9 weeks. (44 work days - 2 holidays - 3 vacate days = 39 days of actual work left!!!!!) I know - I need to get a grip!

But, I get the best Christmas gift of all this year. I get to spend with kids who have no concept of materiality and will be thankful for anything they receive. I can't wait. I am buying all kids of stuff for them. It is so fun. They expect nothing and are so grateful. Brings such tears to me.

I finally told Joe and Linda (the 'rents) what I plan to name my child. Surprisingly, they thought it was a pretty name. I don't think they were expecting it to be that --- but they liked it. Just so you all know --- I am not into plain Jane names. (even though I love the name Jane) One of my choices was Riley Jane. But, it sounded to Kentucky/Arkansas/Tennessee. My other favorite names were Hayden Isabella (too long), Lucy Amaya (I hate "I Love Lucy" show - but like the name), Avery Sofia (this is still a close second), another choice was Kendall Shay (but my niece made fun it). Also, Greta Amelia, Olivia Claire, and Claire Elyse. But, another name stole my heart a year and a half ago when I started this process. And to me - she has always been known as Zoey Alyssa. I pray for her by that name - I pray someone is loving her, she is not hungry, she is happy, and she knows that I am coming to get her soon.

All's I can say is "oh crap" if it is a boy....... : ) Don't really like any boy names and my heart is on a little girl. But, Owen comes to mind............ "Owen loves his momma" - though is what I think of every time I say the name............. Please dear God, let it be a girl! : )

Oh - I have been learning Russian. I think I am getting good - but the tapes I am using are geared toward a vacation trip. So, I got lots more learning to do. I am very slow at learning Cyrillic though.

Nothing else is new. I am passing the time and getting a few trips in. I am going to Osaka, Japan the first week in November and to Croatia for Thanksgiving. Two places I have been wanting to go - and decided I better do it now while I can. Not much happens around her for Thanksgiving anyway --- so - will be cool to be in Croatia soaking up the Mediterranean.

Maybe I will have much stuff to tell in November. Until then - Dusveedunya (I don't have Cyrillic on my keyboard - so have to improvise with how it sounds!)

90 Days Before I Leave!!!!!!!!!!

Well - I said I wouldn't start a countdown until it hit the double digits -- well here I am!!!!!!!!! My plan is to leave on the 23 or 24th - and my appointment is on the 27th -- so 94 days until that appointment! OH people - I am going to need prayers on the 27th especially. (feel free to pray before then - but especially on the 27th). The director is a mean lady and hates Americans.

But, I digress. So, what has happened since August when I last wrote. So much. I am hating on the job. It is too high stress, long hours, interesting projects to say the least...Managing egos is a full time job there. Anyway, 90 days..........

So, what is happening? Britney had her baby! The world is complete now. (just kidding)

I went to Ukraine Sept 2 - 11. I fell in love with the country and the people. And, the kids in the orphanages. I went to 4 orphanages while there. OY! There are too many kids that need homes. I went to a baby orphanage in Donestk (near Russian border) - be still my heart. There were some of the most beautiful children there. All calling me "mama" --- of course I would love to be mama to any of them. It was also heartbreaking to see some of the kids that were sick and unhealthy. Just very sad.

I got to visit 3 orphanages in Kiev that I work with and meet the people I interact with daily. They are such awesome people. So giving. Yet, they have nothing. Needless to say, there was a 3 year old girl in one of the orphanages that I fell in love with. She was so shy - then attached to me quickly. OHHHHH - I can't get her out of my head. I have her photo but am scared to view it. It depresses me. You see, this child had red hair. Which is an oddity in Ukraine. (and a national geographic fact for you ---- only 4% of the worlds population has red hair)..... I know I have told you people how much I want a red headed child......... It kills me. And, no - I can't just go get her. (or she would be here now!) She was found on the streets looking for food - at age 3 - they found relatives who did not want her --- so she will be in orphanage. Why does God allow some people to reproduce? This baby was searching trash cans for food.

The orphanage I work with takes in kids found on the streets of Kiev. They do amazing things with these kids. They are teaching them English, how to succeed in life, and trying their best to teach them how to be loved. At the older kids orphanage - I met so many kids who just wanted a family. Some of them told me their stories - to which I cried. But, they comforted me - and kept saying it was OK. They were happy now. They would love a family - but are so happy to be off the streets. These are kids as young as 3 and old as 13. I met one girl whose parents prostituted her at 4 - then at 6 got to old and used and turned her to the streets. Another girl talked about having to sleep with grown men just for food at age 7 - 9. We have such a sick world. This girl was an artist and she showed me some of her paintings - but I couldn't buy them. She said they were her heart and soul. Those kids taught me a valuable lesson. They are happy with nothing. They live day to day - and if needs are provided for a day --- they could ask for nothing more. I realized how we all get caught up in stuff. And, how selfish I sometimes am. Worried about petty things.

The Ukraine system is so broken. I went to another orphanage that is labeled as "retarded kids" - but these kids were not retarded. They had typical delays from not having love, attention, nurturing and proper education - but they were not retarded. They were just typical kids. All 120 kids at the orphanage were adoptable, but because the orphanage is labeled as such, no one will go adopt there. Most of the kids are older there. My friend Bogdan (who is the most incredible person I have ever met) works as the director of this orphanage. He is such a champion for these kids. God bless him is all I can say.

By the way, this orphanage has never had a Christmas party - and I want more than anything to give them one this year. I am donating money - but can't foot it all. Is anyone willing to help? I estimate it will cost $500 --- for a small gift and treats and decorations. If you are able to help - email me and let me know.

I got to witness the adoption experience first hand. I got to grow me some patience. I did pretty good this visit. But, that sitting around waiting is crap! And, it was like 90+ degrees and miserable. No ACs anywhere. At night it cooled down. (too hot won't be my problem in December) But, there were times we'd have to sit outside on the curb (literally) for hours and wait for someone to sign a piece of paper.

Anyway, I am ready to go tomorrow. But, I will wait my 90 days!

I was hoping to take Russian lessons - but the class got cancelled. Then, I tried to do private lessons - but Russian is rare (so they tell me) and they wanted $100 per lesson. Never mind I took Spanish for $25 per lesson. SO, I guess I will have to resort to the CDs I bought.

That's it for this update. I am just doing my update and hoping for rain from Rita.

Jennifer