Introducing Zoey Hanks

Feb 27 - Just another day in paradise

Weekend – February 25/26
OK it is Sunday night and I will recap the weekend. It came and went. (HA – Just kidding). Actually, Saturday night we met up with the McCue’s and went to the big city of Dnipropetrovs’k. To meet up with another American (Laura and Chris Kennedy) here adopting from my orphanage – they have been here since November. Oye….. We had a nice time. Mom was excited to ride in a car. I was excited to meet up and have something to eat other than the café we go to daily. Which is awesome food – but I wanted something different than Ukrainian food. We had Italian. It was good. Also, as we were walking in the city – all those stores beckoned me. Shops. S omething we don’t have a lot of here in the village. Also, at the restaurant they had EuroMTV on and I got to see JLOs new video. Also, a new Whitney Houston video. What is happening over there? Then, I hear Brangelina is due in May? Geez – I have 10 weeks worth of People magazine sitting on my counter – I will probably never get to read those now……

Today and yesterday Zoey was so good. She just wanted to cuddle – which is different as she is usually on the go. She has a runny nose and just wants to be held. I love it – so I am very happy to hold her. Usually I chase her and run her up and down stairs. Don’t have to worry about the M&Ms I am still eating – cause I burn those off in 15 minutes with her. Speaking of which, I gave her two M&Ms today and mom was appalled. I found out they get chocolate once a week in the orphanage (it is a chocolate equivalent to a milky way – about an inch long) – so 2 M&Ms won’t kill her. : )

Today I also met the Kennedy’s little boy – oh my gosh – he is beautiful. Blond hair – big blue eyes. He is a doll. But, I am still very partial to my little princess.

Zoey loves music and loves to sing. And, she loves to hear me sing! (Yes, Jeff – she thinks I can sing!!!) I took my MP3 player out last week and introduced her to 50 Cent! Not sure she was impressed – just wait till I get her home and put it on surround sound! : ) (just kidding)

Oh did I tell everyone because of all the stress – I have been having migraines daily – and have run out of my medication. Luckily, mom brought some and I have resorted to using it. (she only had 5 pills though) I took a prescription to the pharmacy tonight – and they don’t have anything similar. Ouch. I am running out of my thyroid meds and other meds too. We need to get home soon.

Well, I am just sitting here listening to my MP3. I miss home so much. I feel so disconnected. When I call people – and ask what is going on – they say “nothing – how is it going with you”….. I need news. We don’t have CNN – only BBC – which is EU connected – so we don’t get a lot of US news. Also, without internet access – we are very out of the loop. I feel like I have lost 10 weeks of my life. We are both so ready to be home. Mother reads me a daily devotional about speaking positive – then all it takes is the afternoon trip to the orphanage and walking through the mud, trash, muck and ice – then her tune changes. I have to remind her of the passage for the day – then we laugh.

Linda has started going with me to the orphanage to visit Zoey – so she can bond. In the afternoon – the visit is only an hour and she claims she wants the exercise too. That she gets.
Also, hopefully I don’t repeat myself on the blog. We feel like we are in a Simpson’s episode. Right outside the village there is a HUGE power plant and I crack up when I see it. Reminds me of Springfield. : ) As we walk along each day – I hum the tune to the Simpson’s and it makes us laugh. It just looms over the whole village. I hate to think my baby is breathing that mess. Each night, mom makes me close my bedroom door so the “fumes or whatever it emits” do not reach her.

Monday - February 27
Still waiting on a court date. Zoey was sick today - fever, cough and runny nose. I am told it is my fault because I let her on the floor. Anyway - I will leave the internet cafe and go to the pharmacy to get her something. The orphanage doctor gave me a list. I will update more later - the judge didn't work today. Never mind we ran hoops to get paperwork here - and she is not even here. Again - I digress.............................................................

Also, in one of my previous posts I talked about a couple of little boys I fell in love with. Well, I met the parents of one of the little boys today. They are back in Dnipro for court on Wednesday and they are from California. I am so happy he has a family. He is the sweetest little boy ever. Maybe the other two have families on their way too.

Well, I will update again when I know what is up with the court date. Until then - Happy March to all!

Lessons Learned

Friday – February 24, 2006.
Days in Ukraine – 63. Days going out of my mind – 61. I must admit the first two days were “exciting” till I found out my appointment was cancelled. For the longest time – I thought God is teaching me something – and obviously I am missing the point. Patience – yes I need patience. Who doesn’t? And, I must say I am proud of myself for the patience I have exhibited.

Last night – I think one all important lesson hit me. No man is an island. I am 36 years old and spend a lot of time by myself. Mainly because I want to and it is easier. But, I am use to traveling alone, eating alone, being alone at home, doing things for myself. I never ask anyone for anything unless I am desperate. I hate asking people for money – even a quarter for the coke machine at work. If I borrow a quarter – I pay it back immediately to the tune of “why are you worried about paying me a quarter back?” I have NEVER wanted to owe anyone anything. I hate to ask people to help me – I don’t know why.

When I started this adoption, I didn’t want anyone to know what I was doing. I didn’t want to hear anyone’s opinions. And, because of the risk, I didn’t want people to pity me if things went wrong. So, I kept it small – very close friends and immediate family. Then, I needed prayer requests – and time went on so I opened the circle to close friends. I also thought while in Ukraine I could do this by myself – but I found out the hard way I can’t. I have needed support – and it has come to me in the most unexpected ways. So many people have opened their lives, their hearts and their prayers to me – and I am just learning how to accept that. And, I am amazed at what people will do in the time of need to help someone they don’t even know. It opens my heart to tell this wonderful child that there are exceptional people in this world – and you don’t have to search far to find them. I can’t began to explain the myriad ways people have helped me. And I wonder how I could ever thank these people? It is in my nature to repay – but I don’t know how I could ever repay the kindness of these people.

This district of the Dnipropetrovs’k region is so difficult. I could have never expected all this to happen nor have I been prepared for amount of additional paperwork that is needed. The judge has asked for paperwork, which the embassy provided – then she stated she would not accept because the embassy is working to get me out of here. So, the $500 trip to Kiev to get a rush on paperwork for her – which she stated could come from the embassy – was a waste. This is what I am dealing with here. I provided proof of home ownership – she said it was not certified. (although it is from the tax authority and official) – so we had to get another document back home. Along with 4 other documents. It has been so stressful. These documents were not required as part of the adoption process for the NAC. I was approved to adopt and my paperwork is in order. The judge here is just a slight bit off.

I have also learned another lesson. When I started this process – I told myself I wanted a girl so bad, that I could never love a boy. Geez – I am messed up! : ) Don’t get me wrong – I love my Zoey and thank God for her daily. Oh how blessed I am to have her and I am happy with her. But, there are several little boys in her groupa who I see daily and have fallen in love with them. I want them all. The more I stay here – the harder it gets. Because I am becoming attached to these little boys too. I never should have started playing with them (I do this when they change Zoey or are getting her ready or when I take her back). But, it is so hard when you see these kids and they just crave a hug and attention. I will not turn my back on a child in need. I can’t. I hurt so bad for these kids because they desperately want touching and love, and they deserve it. I wish I could pack the lot of them up and charter a flight back home – but it just isn’t reality.
So that is my thoughts for the day. Zoey is getting attached to me. I can tell. One problem though that I see already is that she will go to anyone easily. I don’t want her to do that. Another thing, she gravitates toward men – like anytime other men are in the room with their kids – she runs to them and puts her hands up. I don’t like that – as I think she needs to be cautious of people. We will work on that.

Each day when she sees me – she gets so excited. She trips, squeals, claps, runs – it is funny to watch. She takes off without the caregivers and runs to her momma – I just love her. I can’t wait to get her home and show her off.

Daily Life in Dnipropetrovs’k (i.e. Siberia)

We are “living” about 30 minutes from the city center of Dnipropetrovs’k in an area that looks like the ghetto. But, it is deceiving as the insides of these apartments are really nice. But it is funny how there is nothing, then all of a sudden a bunch of apartment buildings, with little booth markets all around. As with the rest of Ukraine, you have to go to several places before you get all you need. But, we have lucked out – we have a “micro Wal-Mart”. It has a food store, bank, deli, clothes, etc – so we have all decided we like it because it feels a little like home. The area we are in is blanketed by snow and forests – and just feels like Siberia. There is a restaurant we go to and it sits off by itself and just reminds us of old Russia. This café has live music every night from 7 to midnight. Yeehaw! I think not – they are horrible and loud. We have decided not to eat there anymore at night. Actually it is good Ukrainian food, just bad music.

The internet cafes here are horrible. Any time of day we go, kids are playing games. Speaking of which, I had a moment on Sunday (2/12) at the internet café. I lost it. The access was slow. People were smoking – although no smoking signs were up, and I was trying to print one of the documents the prosecutor thinks I need (though no where else these documents are required). Anyway, it wouldn’t print and the guy was trying to print – and I thought he was reading the document – so I went off on him and his internet store. I even said some very ugly words. Ooops. Mother just buried her head. Anyway, I felt bad – he finally got the document to print. Then, there was an error on it and he had to change some words and reprint. He did it kindly. When we left, I offered him some extra money for his troubles and my yelling – but he wouldn’t take it. (A first in Ukraine) I finally after a few minutes got him to take it – but I felt horrible.
I am amazed I haven’t done worse yet. I am seriously sick of this place and want to be home. I bet my dog forgets who I am. Again – I digress……..

Back to Zoey. I love that child. She is getting very secure with me. Lets me give her kisses, she lays her head on my shoulder, she cries when she has to go back to groupa. I just can’t get enough of her. I hate leaving her at that place. The other kids are jealous and hit her and push her cause she has a momma now. She came out with scratches on her face the other day – they told me the other kids did it. I hate to think they are mean to my baby.

For Valentine’s Day I bought the kids some cookies and fruits and the caregivers some chocolate. The caregivers were so excited. Silly me – I was caught up in the fact I have to go Kiev to the American Embassy for paperwork – that I forgot to get Zoey something.
Oh well, her birthday this year will be the biggest bash ever!

Until I blog again……..Dasvedunya!

Leaving on a Slow Train, don’t know when I will be back again…….

Wednesday – Feb 15
Last night (Happy Valentines to me – the 14th) I had to take an overnight train to Kiev to be at the American Embassy before noon on the 15th. Seems the judge here in Dnipropetrovs’k does not like the paperwork that was approved by the NAC. (never mind I never could have adopted without the proper paperwork – I digress again…..) The judge here wants some crazy paperwork that is impossible to get or non-existent. One thing, an official document stating I have never been married. Another, proof my licensed social worker can do a home study for adoptions. Proof the Embassy will give Zoey a passport. My will – with the guardian for Zoey present (good thing it is my mother). And some other docs I am forgetting right now. It is so crazy. We have met several couples here who have been in the adoption process since Sept, Oct, and Nov – and still do not have all the “correct” paperwork. ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!

Kiev was cold and snowy today. I arrived at 6:10am – and we hit the road the running. We had to go to a café until the embassy opened. Once I got inside the embassy – I felt relieved. As close to the USA as I will get over here. Everyone was so nice and helpful. It took 30 minutes to get 6 documents in English and Ukrainian. (and didn’t cost a thing) I had to sign off on a few things – then we left to have the documents notarized and legalized. (geez – don’t get me started) Anyway, I caught a train back to Dnipropetrovs’k and was back at 9pm. What a day.

I did not get to see my precious baby today – can’t wait to see her tomorrow.
Yesterday I had a moment. I called my translator and told her I was going home. I couldn’t do this any more. I have said it once and will say it again – this is the hardest thing I have ever done. NOTHING is convenient and everything has to be expedited. I am so sick of it. But on the train ride home tonight, I was thinking about all the kids and one in particular (Zoey) --- she gets to get out of here and will have a life. And attention and love. She is very lucky. How she ever got registered I will never know. This orphanage does not put kids on the registry often, and most people won’t come here because of all the BS. I cried when I found out what region she was in – but I did not have a choice – and I am glad I did not. In the end – she melts my little heart. I need prayers because I don’t know how much more I can be here and I need strength – but I will be until she can go home with me.

Thursday – Feb 16
Oh what a day!!!!! I went to the orphanage to see Zoey – and when she came out she was smiling and screaming with happiness to see her momma. She came running up to me – it was so sweet. I guess she did notice that I was gone. I picked her up and she had peed her pants. They don’t allow the kids to wear diapers when they are in their group. Basically, after they eat and drink, they are required to sit on the potty until they go. It is funny to see 15 potties in a row with 15 kids sitting on them. So, we got her changed and out we went to play. After playing a while she gets tired, so I started singing to her today. She just laid there and let me rock her until she fell asleep. Then, she awoke, put her head on my shoulder, and went to sleep. I rocked her for a while then sat with her. Then decided to take her to her bed. When I got back to her groupa – the other kids started hitting on her and awoke her. She screamed bloody murder – then was awake.

Last weekend I bought her some new shoes, but the only ones I could find were expensive. The shoes she was wearing were too tight for her feet. But, I didn’t want to leave the shoes there or they might disappear. Anyway, today I put them on her – and as I was getting ready to leave I was about to take them off and she screamed and cried big ole tears. So, she got to keep them. When I came back in the afternoon – she had them on. But, when I went to undress her and pull off her pants – I had to remove a shoe and she wailed again.

Also, the other kids have started hitting and scratching her because she has a momma. I am about to kick some 2-3 year old butts. They are so mean to her. She is also the youngest in the groupa – so I just know they pick on her. There is one little girl who is nice to her – there are only 3 or 4 girls in her groupa – the other 11 or so are boys.

Friday – February 17
Actually, we had a warm up today. -18. I think I am getting use to the cold. That walk at 9:15am to the orphanage will do it to you. Although this afternoon, the wind was blowing and it was brutal.

I have a couple of gripes I need to get off my chest – then on to Zoey. First, each apartment we have stayed at it has been cold on the inside with not good heating. However, at our current residence – it is so hot in the apartment – I am sweating. As I sit here and type – I have a window open and it is still hot. It is miserably hot. When Linda says it is hot and she opens a window – you know it is hot. Next, with all the walking and lack of meals, my clothes do not fit. Can’t find a belt. And, all my pants are sagging. We took some photos of me – then laughed because my pants are resting on my hips. However, it is starting to tick me off. In my situation, I can’t afford to buy new clothes and you would not believe how expensive clothes are here. I can get a loaf of bread for .02 cents, a 20 oz coke for about .40 cents, washing detergent for .55 cents, 15 bananas for $1.00 and a large bag of jolly green giant mixed vegetables for .45 cents. But the other day, I saw this cute sweater – and thought I would buy it – until I priced it. $85. And, jeans are really expensive here – in the $100 range. Ho-hummm. Also, why does Colgate toothpaste cost $2.49 in the US and $.90 here? Anyone?

Today – Zoey was quite. Until we called a friend so he could talk to her – then she screamed. For the most part – she just played and tried to get her way. One thing I noticed is that she likes to play by herself. There are other kids there (other families adopting) and she doesn’t like to play with them. She will move off to a corner and play quietly. I wonder if it has to do with all kids in her groupa being mean to her and it is her way of protecting herself? I tried to get her to play – but mostly the kids do not share. I am going to have to work on that. Especially since she is an only child and we will be hanging together for a while.

Nothing much else happened today. My translator got my paperwork approved by the NAC yesterday and will be back in Dnipropetrovs’k on Sunday to appeal to the court on Monday for a court date. Prayers for a quick court date.

Saturday and Sunday – Feb 18/19
Nothing exciting this weekend. Saturday it snowed, rained and sleeted all in one afternoon. This made for a miserable walk to the orphanage Saturday afternoon and Sunday morning. But, I made it. It was actually warm today (Sunday). And, the snow is melting. This makes slush, which becomes black muck, which gets all over you. Oh joy.

I am having another moment today. I am so ready to be home. It is hard trying to bond with Zoey as there are 4 other families and their kids and all we get is a hallway to play with them. The kids hit and push. Zoey has started hitting and biting me when she doesn’t get her way. It is hard to control in the setting we are in. Ho hummmmmm.

Geez, I’d click my heels 3 times even if it landed me in Kansas. I just know I can walk to Dallas from there. Straight shot down I35! I want to be home so bad.

That is it. I am hoping we get hear news this week on a court date.

Depressed

I have several updates on my memory stick, but the guy will not let me put on the computer - so I will have to post them when I can. Meanwhile - I am very depressed. I have no court date in sight and am running out of money. I have prayed - and no answers come. I don't know what God is doing - but my time is running out. My 171 expires April 12 - at that point if I have not had court - it is over. I have to come home without this child. The judge is making up documents to ask for. This is the most corrupt place I know. I don't know how much more I can cry. It is at the end. I don't know what else I can do.

I ask for prayers. God has not heard - maybe he will hear other people? It is that bad here. I can't believe that God would bring me here - place this child in my hands - then not finish it. I don't need grand finales - I just need a court date and for all to go well.

I don't even feel I can attach to this child cause I am afraid I will lose her.

Day 5 – In a Routine

Over the ice paths, through the slums, to Zoey’s orphanage I go…. I now have a daily routine. I get up at 8:30am, get dressed, and then walk to the orphanage. (never mind it has been in the -20s here for the last 5 days) The orphanage is about 1.3 miles from the apartment – and it takes me between 12 and 15 minutes to get there. Yes – I am hauling it – it is so cold it hurts. But, this region is so expensive. The driver was wanting me to pay $50 a day for the two trips to the orphanage – which is less than 5 minutes by car. I told him no thank you. Kiev was so much cheaper than here.

I visit Zoey from 9:30 to 12:00, then 3:30ish to 5pm. When I come home for lunch, I take a nap. There is nothing else to do here – so a nap is a welcome reprieve. We are not close to the actual city – the orphanage is about 30 minutes by car from the city – so we would have to pay about $30 to get into city – then the same back. It is not worth it – although we plan to splurge this weekend to do some shopping for Zoey and her groupa.

Mother and I want to be home so bad right now – I can’t even explain the pain of being here. But, I will at a later time. We are quickly running out of money – and I am very worried about that. Prayers for a quick court date – and waive of the 10 days.

Zoey and I are in a routine as well. We play from 9:30 to 10:30; have snack from 10:30 to 11:00; then play some more till noon. Around 11:30 to 11:45 she gets fussy – as it is getting close to nap time and sister needs her sleep. They told me to come at 4pm in the afternoon – but I have been getting there around 3:30 – so they let me have her then. Although they literally pluck her from the bed and hand her to me. I do diaper duty, dress her – then we go have a snack. Then play some more. She is usually in a fussy mood as she is just waking – so afternoon it takes her some time to warm up.

On Thursday, mom went with me to the afternoon visit. I kept telling her about the little tantrums, and mom thought – no way. Sure enough, Linda got front row seats for the “I am not getting my way – so I will throw myself on the floor and kick and scream” event. It’s kind of funny. But, the caregivers don’t like it.

Luba has worked really hard to have all paperwork completed by Friday – so that on Monday we can go to court and request a court date. I hope and pray the judge is on our side and we get in and get out SOON. Please pray for quick results and no hold-ups so we can get home.

Day 2 – Getting Acquainted with Each Other

Today – we had to do a medical exam to be certified in the region. So, Zoey had to give some blood. It was horrible watching them take her blood. She was crying – I was telling them they were hurting her – and they were telling me something – probably to shut up and get out (couldn’t tell – Russian). But, I didn’t. They couldn’t get blood – so they started twisting her arm – geez where did the nurse get her degree? They finally got their 4 vials of blood. We had to go early, and Luba decided they didn’t need me, so I got to spend time with Zoey from 8am till noon.

Well……easy going Rada (aka Zoey Alyssa) was putting on the cute, sweet and innocent act yesterday! : ) Today – the fits came out. They say you wind up with a child like you – how in the world did this happen??? Miss Priss tried me several times today. In the morning – we played with musical toy till we got bored (20 minutes), then the baby doll that laughs (5 minutes), then the book (2 minutes). So, then we walked about the orphanage. I must say – the orphanage I am at is pretty lenient and let me have the run of the floor – but there isn’t much to do roaming the halls – and Zoey wanted to go into every room when we saw doors.
Mommy (aka – Jennifer) – “ Nyet” – my new favorite word.
Zoey – “nyet” – her most used word.
Imagine this conversation at every door. Then, after her “nyet” – she sat on the floor – then banged her head on the floor – then screamed and cried. (Uh- check please!) We did this many times today – I must say – you hear about all the institutional behaviors and comforting they do – but it kills me to see her do this and rocking back and forth. I have started rocking her and keeping her close. I hold her a lot right now – but she has never had this much attention. She deserves it. Today, when I would put her down, or try to give her to her caregivers – she started to cry. How can they ask me to leave when she does that??? Also, she gets really whiney when other kids try to come up to me and call me mama. Today – she kicked at a little boy who held his hands up and called me mama. Today – when I went back for the afternoon visit – she had just gotten up from nap. The caregiver brought her through the door, she saw me – and had the biggest grin. It doesn’t get any better than that. The caregivers and my translator commented that she is attaching very nicely. I am thanking God for that too. This afternoon when I was taking her back to her groupa – she started crying. I just felt horrible.

One thing she also did today. It is cute – but I know this can’t go on. There are plants all over the orphanage halls. (I must say – this orphanage is awesome and clean, and the caregivers really care about the kids from what I see. Not all are like this.) Anyway, she started trying to tear the leaves off or dig in the dirt. I told her nyet – so she walked away. Then, she’d go back near them, act like she was going to touch them (but not do it) – me telling her – nyet. Then, she’d get closer – watching me the whole time. Then, she’d swat the leave and run – laughing as she run away.

She is very active. Gonna have to remove the priceless art when I get home. (i.e. the gourd from Africa, the elephant from India) Basically, everything 2 feet off the ground. : )

Another little story of how awesome God is. You all know I am involved with Life 2 Orphans. (since Sept 2004) Anyway, they have a program called feed an orphan – which participates at about 25 baby orphanages. (go back and read my early blogs – I talked about this). For $5 a month, you can feed a baby. So, I sent money for a year for the program. Anyway, the orphanage Zoey lives at is one of those sponsored orphanages. (found out late yesterday afternoon) As I mentioned on my blog – “I never know if the child I am feeding could be my own” – well – the way I look at it – I fed my precious baby for the last year.

Anyway, that is today’s update. Let’s see what cuteness she does tomorrow. Rather than update daily, I will go back to updating every few days.

February 6 - Meeting Day

We spent the weekend trying to get my spirits up. I will say – I have met some incredible people in Ukraine. Kim and Mark Botto (I love you guys, you made me laugh so much) and Lisa and Rich Weatherby (Lisa your emails made me feel so much better and put my fears at ease). And of course, Hadas and Jonathon McCue (may God forever bless you – I love you both as family). Without these people – I would have been on a plane home last weekend.

We spent time on Friday (actually Luba my translator did) finding more info on the referral. Friday night I sobbed some more. Saturday woke up OK – got that lump in throat again on Saturday night. I knew a lot of people were praying for me – because I was heartbroken and thought my dreams of being a mother were wrapped up in a one shot deal. Sunday we left on the “bullet” train to Dnipropetrovs’k. I think bullet train in Ukraine means they shoot a bullet in the direction of region – and the bullet beats the train. It was by no means the fast train. I digress…..

I had decided by weekend end that I would accept the child if healthy because I was specific in my prayers and God had answered my prayers. I asked for a healthy, young girl. I didn’t specify skin, hair, or eye colors. I got what I prayed for.

Today – Monday started out slow. Until we showed our appreciation – then the 2 hours in line became a five-minute episode. Anyhoo – we finally arrived at the orphanage at 11:10. We went to the director – and had to wait. While waiting – mother and I set in the lobby waiting. Every time a child went by – mother went that is her…(even though a couple were boys) I kept saying no – then it happened.

I saw her – and started to cry – I knew it was her by the eyes. Mother saw her too – then saw me cry – then she cried. Before us was the most perfect baby God ever created. She is so beautiful. She has olive skin – but is not biracial. (they said they thought her father was Hungarian or Romanian (hence bi-racial???) In the director’s office – I just could not take my eyes off of her – how could a child be so perfect? Then, they handed her to me – and the past 21 months erased. All the paperwork, money, waiting, stress, emotions, time in Ukraine – it didn’t matter because I had the most beautiful and perfect baby – the best Ukraine had to offer was now mine.

I only got to see her for 30 minutes, but got to go back later in the day and spend more time with her as Dr. Yuri did an evaluation. (by the way – he is awesome and so good with the kids) She seems to have taken a liking to me. She is also ticklish and has the cutest laugh. She checked out healthy – praise God.

Speaking of which...I stand here humbly before God and ask the same question I ask when I thought he had forgotten me. Why me???? Why do I deserve this child? I never thought I would in a million years get a child such as this. Over the last few weeks and months of waiting – I kept asking why me? Why do you always forget me? Why am I last? Why don’t you care? Why do I have to wait? All those stupid questions – when the answer is because “I have a child in Dnipropetrovs’k waiting for you”. Gosh, I am such a control freak. Gary Ford from my adoption group told me a month into my adoption process - “don’t even think about going to Ukraine without God.” I just thought – yeah – I will pray for the adoption. That is not what he meant. He meant turning loose. Letting go. Letting God. My adoption is only a miracle God could make happen.

People – last Friday I thought it was over. Today – I rejoice. Had the director not yelled at me – I would have chosen a different child. I shudder to think what would have been. Thank you God for using the director to intervene so that I could receive such a blessing.

It is far from over. I am in the hardest region in Ukraine. I met a couple who has been in the process since Nov. 6 – waiting for a court date. It is not going to be easy – or cheap. I have been told to expect 30 to 45 days. But, I will trust God knows what is best. My mother and I are ready to come home. We are on day 49 and that is a long time. We are tired –this is a hard trip. But, I won’t leave this country without my daughter. So, keep the prayers coming for a quick court date and possible waive of the 10 day wait.

I don’t have computer access in the new apartment. So, I will see if I can post pictures soon. If not, I will email.

February 2 - Appointment Day

I know everyone is wondering what happened today. It was not a good day - at all. My appointment was suppose to be at 9:00am - but the director did not come in until 10:50. She immediately took the appointment list - and went to her office. In 5 minutes - she came back with a new listing and posted it - my appointment was moved to 12:30. At 11:00 am - a group from one adoption group was ushered in and given the “best” referrals. (about 9 of them - who knows what they paid) Then, at 11:45 the director left - so appointments had to stop. She came back at 12:15 - and said they could resume - and 12:30 appts were pushed to 2:15.

Lets just say - it was emotional, hard, everything. I was crying at 11am when I saw I had been moved. Especially since I had met 2 of the couples and their original appointment dates were this week. My friends Hadas and Jonathon were downstairs and Hadas called. I was crying - but they would not let them upstairs yet because their appointment was later than mine. Anyway - Hadas pushed her way upstairs to be with me. I was alone - and will forever be grateful to her. Jonathon came up too so for the rest of the day we were together. Thank God for them - if they would not have been there - I probably would have done something stupid to jeopardize the adoption.

So, I got in at 2:25 - now #14 of 20. I was taken back to a psychologist who was very nice. And, she spoke to me in English. She asked me about myself and what I was looking for. As soon as I told her - she pulled out a sheet of paper and said - here is your child. I looked at the photo - and said - no this is not her. I would like to look at others. I was told - no I only got one referral. (I knew better – or so I thought) I asked could I look at the "books" - so she said OK. "But they are all rejects." After the first 3 - I knew she was not joking. They had AIDS, HIV, Hepatitis, bone deformities, etc. I asked to see sibling sets, older kids and boys (gasp!). She went and got some of the loose files from the couple at the next station who had been turned down. I came across a 4 year old girl with red hair and asked about her. Healthy - so I set her aside. I started looking at siblings - then it happened. About 15 minutes into my appointment - the director walked in and said to me "I HAND PICKED THIS CHILD FOR YOU - I KNEW YOU WAITED IN UKRAINE 40 DAYS - SO I GOT YOU A HEALTHY, YOUNG CHILD. YOU WILL TAKE HER OR LEAVE. YOU ARE NOT GETTING AN OLDER CHILD OR SIBLINGS - YOU WILL TAKE HER. THIS IS YOUR ONLY REFERRAL AND YOUR ONLY APPOINTMENT. DO NOT COME BACK." She grabbed the loose files of siblings and older kids and boys - and left. I started crying. The psychologist felt really bad. She handed me a tissue and asked what I wanted to do. I asked what choice I had - I knew they were going to make me go see her. Let me tell you about the child - she is completely healthy with "speech delays" - but at 20 months old - how can you tell? Her picture was horrible. I know this is hard for some of you to hear - but the ugliest baby I have ever seen. And, she is bi-racial. Also, this child is in the worst adoption region in Ukraine. They anticipate 30 to 45 days to complete the adoption.

I am by no means a racist - but I don't know if I can raise a child of a different race. The reason I chose Ukraine was in hopes of finding a child who "looked like me - had the same features" - most people here have fair skin and blonde/brown hair. Somehow - that choice was taken from me.

We are going on Sunday to meet the child on Monday. I don't have a choice. If I decide not to take her - I will have to come home. So, that is what happened today. It was a horrible, stressful, emotional day. I have waited 20 months for this adoption - in my heart believing God would bless me. I don't know if I can open my heart to this situation. I am trying to be excited this weekend about meeting her. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life.