February 2 - Appointment Day

I know everyone is wondering what happened today. It was not a good day - at all. My appointment was suppose to be at 9:00am - but the director did not come in until 10:50. She immediately took the appointment list - and went to her office. In 5 minutes - she came back with a new listing and posted it - my appointment was moved to 12:30. At 11:00 am - a group from one adoption group was ushered in and given the “best” referrals. (about 9 of them - who knows what they paid) Then, at 11:45 the director left - so appointments had to stop. She came back at 12:15 - and said they could resume - and 12:30 appts were pushed to 2:15.

Lets just say - it was emotional, hard, everything. I was crying at 11am when I saw I had been moved. Especially since I had met 2 of the couples and their original appointment dates were this week. My friends Hadas and Jonathon were downstairs and Hadas called. I was crying - but they would not let them upstairs yet because their appointment was later than mine. Anyway - Hadas pushed her way upstairs to be with me. I was alone - and will forever be grateful to her. Jonathon came up too so for the rest of the day we were together. Thank God for them - if they would not have been there - I probably would have done something stupid to jeopardize the adoption.

So, I got in at 2:25 - now #14 of 20. I was taken back to a psychologist who was very nice. And, she spoke to me in English. She asked me about myself and what I was looking for. As soon as I told her - she pulled out a sheet of paper and said - here is your child. I looked at the photo - and said - no this is not her. I would like to look at others. I was told - no I only got one referral. (I knew better – or so I thought) I asked could I look at the "books" - so she said OK. "But they are all rejects." After the first 3 - I knew she was not joking. They had AIDS, HIV, Hepatitis, bone deformities, etc. I asked to see sibling sets, older kids and boys (gasp!). She went and got some of the loose files from the couple at the next station who had been turned down. I came across a 4 year old girl with red hair and asked about her. Healthy - so I set her aside. I started looking at siblings - then it happened. About 15 minutes into my appointment - the director walked in and said to me "I HAND PICKED THIS CHILD FOR YOU - I KNEW YOU WAITED IN UKRAINE 40 DAYS - SO I GOT YOU A HEALTHY, YOUNG CHILD. YOU WILL TAKE HER OR LEAVE. YOU ARE NOT GETTING AN OLDER CHILD OR SIBLINGS - YOU WILL TAKE HER. THIS IS YOUR ONLY REFERRAL AND YOUR ONLY APPOINTMENT. DO NOT COME BACK." She grabbed the loose files of siblings and older kids and boys - and left. I started crying. The psychologist felt really bad. She handed me a tissue and asked what I wanted to do. I asked what choice I had - I knew they were going to make me go see her. Let me tell you about the child - she is completely healthy with "speech delays" - but at 20 months old - how can you tell? Her picture was horrible. I know this is hard for some of you to hear - but the ugliest baby I have ever seen. And, she is bi-racial. Also, this child is in the worst adoption region in Ukraine. They anticipate 30 to 45 days to complete the adoption.

I am by no means a racist - but I don't know if I can raise a child of a different race. The reason I chose Ukraine was in hopes of finding a child who "looked like me - had the same features" - most people here have fair skin and blonde/brown hair. Somehow - that choice was taken from me.

We are going on Sunday to meet the child on Monday. I don't have a choice. If I decide not to take her - I will have to come home. So, that is what happened today. It was a horrible, stressful, emotional day. I have waited 20 months for this adoption - in my heart believing God would bless me. I don't know if I can open my heart to this situation. I am trying to be excited this weekend about meeting her. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life.